One thing that never ceases to amaze me in this country is the sheer abundance of absolute total freak shows that you encounter during a typical journey via public transport. Buses are clearly the worst offenders in this department, however, on a train journey to Manchester this weekend, my mother and I encountered a weirdo which even an inner city London bus company could only aspire to own. The strange thing is that the young woman in question boarded the train at Leominster (pronounced Lemster, god knows why!). Leominster is a small rural town on the outskirts of Herefordshire, so not your typical nut-case breeding ground. The girl sat down a few seats ahead of us, and I was lucky enough to receive a full running commentary on the girl’s various activities from my mum who was innocently minding her own business, spying on the girl through the reflections in the train window. She was with her mum (how sad is that, ay?), and had bleached white hair which was draped in black netting with a bow at the front. Her face was made up like a goth’s with thick black eyeliner and bright red lipstick, and she was sporting a rather fetching coffin-shaped bag. Yes I know, whoopee a goth, nothing new there, right? Well how many Goths have you come across whose coffin bag of witchcraft books and demon worshipping paraphernalia is plastered with pink, little princess stickers? Clearly worried that she wasn’t attracting enough attention to herself in the form of sideways glances and muffled whispers as it was, Gotherella then proceeded to pull out the big guns and whipped a doll out from out of her vamp luggage, and took a few moments to brush the dolls hair on her lap. The most disconcerting factor in this whole scenario was how normal the Barbie of Darkness sounded whilst talking to her mother, there didn’t appear to be anything mentally unsound about the girl what so ever... apart from the doll that is!
Doesn’t the prospect of such colourful in-journey entertainment just make you want to ditch the car and give the railway or buses a whirl? Beware though, although I must have missed the memo, it has come to my attention that there are strict criteria which all passengers must adhere to if wishing to travel by bus;
a) Upon boarding the vehicle, all persons must have a minimum blood alcohol level of no less than three times the legal driving limit. Special brownie points are given to anybody still holding a can of special brew upon purchase of their ticket, or whose bag omits ominous ‘clinks’.
b) The use of a tissue or hanker chief is strictly prohibited. Any or all nasal or mouth secretions must be mopped up with either a sleeve, or failing that, the back of a hand, this allows for free and liberal germ sharing amongst all passengers.
c) Any gloves worn by men must be fingerless, and coupled with grubby fingernails.
d) It is essential that no elderly person must board the bus unless they are friend’s with all of the old people that are already on it, this rule is what ensures the trip into town remains the highlight of every pensioner’s day, as well as making sure that any non-local, imposters can quickly be identified and given the cold shoulder – you know how clicky those wrinkletons can be!
e) Finally, and most importantly; all bus users MUST wear a scent which rates at least a level 5 on the peeuwwometre. Some examples of the most popular bus fragrances currently available are; Sweat Darling by Kylie B.O.gue - this sporty fragrance is inspired by Sweet Darling by Kylie Minogue and is a sporty scent suitable for all age ranges from your classic greasy teen right through to the delightful charms of the middle-aged labourer, Eu de toilet by L’Oreal because urine worth it, and the best seller Whisky-were-here which was originally developed for special occasions and holidays but which fast became a firm favourite with bus dwellers from the age of thirty upwards, Whisky-were-here is traditionally a man’s product but the rise of equal opportunities in the 21st century has meant that some of the more daring, council estate women are now pushing the social boundaries and having the occasional cheeky try.
(Please note that other reputable brands are available on the market.)
Pure brilliance - I thank you.
ReplyDelete