Ragadoons Day

As requested here is a little introduction to our brand new Ragadoon kitten. He’s 9 weeks old now and just reaching that cute but annoying phase of leaping on your feet every time you try to take a step! Sticking to the foodie themed names he was originally called Caramac, but as they’re quite rare these days I got fed up of having to ask everybody if they remembered Caramac bars so eventually renamed him Bailey. He’s so teenie tiny at the minute that it’s hard to believe that soon enough he will be out and about prowling the streets for female cat candy, and then there’s that inevitable first good night hiss at the cat flap, then before you know it he’ll be married, with a mouse, and 6.4 kits!

We decided that it would be beneficial for us to choose a very fluffy kitten to save on housework as with a bit of luck he will dust the house on his general daily travels, so I’m hoping that he’ll sprout a feather duster tail any day now.

During the ten days or so we have had him it has become clear that he obviously has some spider in him somewhere in his ancestral lines, demonstrated through his amazing ability to scale vertical surfaces, and he is obviously somewhat of a brainiacat as proven when he got his head stuck underneath the bed!

As you can imagine Jaffa isn’t too keen on the new arrival, but on the up side; Rilla has now got a lovely sheen to her coat on the account of the many spits she has received from the new Devil Cat of the household!

Here is a little tribute to Jacob who was very sadly hit by a car today and didn’t make it. The house just isn’t the same without him, scroll down

Jacob the cat, what can I say?

He’s the craziest cat I’d ever met to this day.

His eyes were so dopey, his feet were too big,

His tail was so long and skinny it could pass for a twig

A tramp at heart, he’d sleep almost any where;

A cardboard box, a plastic bag, he really didn’t care.

He loved to visit the rabbits, and hog their bed of hay,

When he wasn’t pestering Jaffa all throughout the day.

Jacob’s Flap of Horrors was booming, now it’s destined to fail,

We’ll all miss you dearly, my Jakie Snakey Tail.

Floxing Fans

Jacob got so jealous of all the attention that Rilla has received from her last blog entry that he decided to do one of his own... as you can see, he didn’t get very far!

I’ve recently started posting some of my writing on a writer’s community forum and have earned myself a little admirer from a compilation of bits from my past blogs. Here’s the e-mail I received after my first post;

Hello, dear
how are you today i hope that you are doing fine as i am feeling alright also my name is Floxsy Desmond l am 25 years old searching for a real friend that is trust and worthy and caring.a friend who understand the real meaning of love and trust in each other a mature partner that will be faithful to me and will understand that
a real love dose not count distance or colour after reading your profile and email at www.greatwriting.co.uk i feel a great joy in my heart withing me . i took interest on you despite that i have not seen you in person but your profiles really gave me a nice pleasure to communicate with you. and I hope you will be the true loving, honest partner that I have been looking for, And I have something special to tell you about me please i will like you to reply to me urgently so i will tell you more about my self this is my box above please try to mail me back on my email
address
so that i can be able to send you my pictures,God bless you.
Miss Floxsy

SCORE – I’m in there!! Hahaha I obviously didn’t reply to her but have had oodles of fun passing round the email to all of my friends. The funniest bit was when I got to the end and saw it was off a “Miss” Floxy! Do you think she wants to be my thai bride??

I have discovered a special new talent of mine over the last few weeks, I have found that I am capable of turning any special occasion into a celebration of me – here is a poem I wrote in my parents 35^th wedding anniversary card;

Look at you now, you’re 35^th year,

Through many a spritser and keg full of beer.

The ear hairs have sprouted, nasal ones too,

But you still fancy each other like you did at 22.

All of these years later I’m sure you’ll agree;

That the best thing to come out of the marriage has to be me!

Likewise, here’s the one I wrote for my sister’s wedding anniversary;

Four years behind you, many more ahead,

What was it that made you decide to get wed?

Was it for the presents, wedding gifts piled high?

Or was it for the honeymoon? Any excuse to fly.

Was it for the Limo ride that left your neighbours in awe?

Or was it simply that glynne’s got good taste, and chose a world-class sis-in-law?

Have I got a self obsessed talent or what??

I want to say thanks to Andy for all of your comments, much appreciated, and Rilla is very impressed with your Mysty’s writing skills although she still thinks she is better! Love the sound of your friend’s Christmas quacker!

Domino Blizzard

Christmas has come and gone and Santa is once more tucked away in the North Pole getting my presents ready for next year. With the festivities over, and snow on the ground, I had only one thing on my mind last week;

Well the weather outside is frightful,

And the fire is so delightful,

Since we’ve no place to go –

Dominoes, Dominoes, Dominoes!

Guess what we had for tea that night... not Dominoes! Our hopes and dreams of a festive night in with Peep Show and a delicious, artery thickening Hawaiian were unexpectedly thwarted by the heavy snow storm which prompted all Dominoes deliveries to be cancelled. With our stomachs already gurgling in pizza mode, there was only one thing for it – get out the dogs and load up the sled, expedition Asda here we come!

In hindsight, maybe it would have been more sensible to stay at home and scrape together a less life-threatening, more wholesome meal from the pitifully stocked freezer, but how boring is that?? Our journey to Asda played out like a Disney production of Goofy on ice, and we returned home with two pizzas, and two sore bums!

With the weather being so bad lately, Rilla hasn’t been out much so to pass the time she decided to do a spot of her own writing. Here’s a little guide dog column she’s sent out to dogs around the snow swept country;

As a working girl, my favourite time of the day has got to be 6.00pm; dinner time! The only drawback to dinner time is that the cheeky beggers have got me on the low calorie rubbish, I keep telling them that I’m just big boned and that my jowl is supposed to be that waddley to allow for optimum droolage, but they’re having none of it.

Getting ready for dinner time is a tough job but somebody has got to do it. Preparation begins at approximately 4.30pm. Knowing how forgetful humans can be in keeping track of old Mr. Wolf, it is my responsibility to alert them to the approaching 6’o’clock deadline. It has taken many years to perfect my dinner time alarm call. Methods that have proven ineffectual by way of trial and error include; the tappy toes routine, the live up to your nickname and grunt like a gorilla technique, the you did, I heard you, honestly I did trick, and of course the old age classic, I’ve got big puppy eyes and I know how to use them!

I’ll now walk you through each of these methods one by one for any novice guide dogs out there who might want to give them a whurl because as the old saying goes; one dog’s trash is another dog’s treasure, and just because none of these have worked for me personally, that doesn’t mean to say that it won’t be affective on your particular breed of human. I would also be interested to hear from any regular pet dogs out there who may find any of these instructions useful.

The Tappy Toes routine;

This versatile and creative routine first derived from a line of stage trained canines in the 19^th century, but has fast become a firm favourite with pet pooches around the world since discovered by Barny the Dalmation, from Rochdale in the north West in the year 1987, and was then adapted to every-day home use. It is essentially the canine version of what humans like to call “tap dancing”, and has been known to release the graceful exhibitionist in even the scruffiest of mongrels. It has proven to be hugely successful at alerting the more intuitive owner to your growing impatience, and extra credit is given to any one who also manages to incorporate some basic ballet moves.

Humans enjoy these energetic dances so much that some of them have even adopted a few of the moves themselves, attempting to mimic our grace and agility. However, a misunderstanding has obviously occurred somewhere along the communication line as they all appear to mistake it for the very similar “need a wee, need a wee, need a wee” routine.

Tappy Toes is not suited to houses which are fully carpeted, as the soft material does not offer adequate reverberation, which is very important as volume, more than rhythm is the key. A good rule of thumb to go by whilst deciding whether the Tappy Toes is worth a try or not can be summed up in this simple, easy to remember rhyme; the bigger the feet, the bigger the treat! It doesn’t take a Border Collie to work out that the more weight you can put behind your jig, the harder you are to ignore. For this reason, lighter breeds such as Chihuahuas, and the smaller terriors might be best sticking to the Puppy Eyes. Us Guide Dogs may not have the biggest paws on the block, but our “big bones” still make us ideal candidates, and our heft combined with our natural bouncibility factor means we can put on a pretty impressive performance when we want to.

Please note that this method may be unsuitable for Hearing Dogs as it will only work if your owner is looking directly at you, and it’s success rate is significantly lowered with the absence of the accompanying percussion soundtrack.

The Gorilla Grunt -

This technique is generally only applicable to dogs like myself who have an ape based primary, or nickname, but feel free to give your impersonation skills a go if your name is similar to any other group of animal, you never know, you might get lucky.

The gorilla grunt was my weapon of choice whilst dealing with my puppy walker prior to my guide dog training, I founnd it worked best in a comically low voice, and when used in conjunction with pouty lips and wide eyes. Being black also helps with the authenticity of the performance so if you’re not a natural black, try rolling in some mud from the garden first, but always make sure you wipe your feet on your way back into the house cos they seem to hate it when you traipse mud in. If your owner has very bad sight though and lives alone, you can probably get away without this courtesy as they will be none the wiser to your filthy paw prints any way.

Likewise, if your name is for example Scooby, why not take advantage and do the Scooby Doo call? This has been proven to be very indeering by some individuals.

Yes You Did -

If you have a reputation for being dumb, this is just the trick for you! This move is perfect for those of you whose owner’s watch game shows, simply wait for the word ‘winner’ to be said on the telly and away you go! Grunts, ballet, tappy toes – pull out all the stops on this one because the more convincing you are at making them believe you really are stupid enough to confuse the word winner, with dinner, the sooner you’ll be in Pedigree Chum heaven. Make them believe you’re really that dumb, and the people will take pitty on your apparent stupidity and probably feed you early.

Note; for this one to work, your pretend word has to be something that rimes with the real dinner call, so it’s no use using ‘winner’ from the telly if when they feed you your owner calls ‘foodies’. On second thoughts, that might work for some of the commonly labelled dumber dogs i.e. Bassett Hounds – no offense guys but to be honest, you do have the expectance of very low intelligence from your human, so why not use what you’ve got and milk it? I myself am far too clever for my owner to believe that I am stupid enough for this one so I have never wasted my time with it.

The Puppy Dog Eyes -

I’m sure no explanation is necessary for this one, but it should only ever be attempted by cute dogs. If it at first seems unaffective, try tilting your head a little to one side and pricking up your ears. If ten minutes of the dough eyes doesn’t work, something is terribly wrong, either; your person hasn’t got a heart, you’re simply not cute enough, or you’re owner has just got too little sight to see your begging stares you wally! Yeah all right, all right, I know, I should have realised before the six month mark, but my dad was a golden retriever so I inevitably inherited a certain amount of blondness from him!

And now for the one you’ve all been waiting for, my own personal feeding alarm ritual, all hale;

The Heavy Head -

I think the real secret to the success of the Heavy Head for guide dogs in particular is it’s very tactile approach. Due to my unimaginable clever trevorness, my head is understandably very, very heavy. For any dogs who aren’t as brainy as me therefore are lighter in the head department, try cheating and adding weight by a sly hidden rock under the tongue (please note; never ever swallow, it won’t have a happy ending, trust me!)

Step 1 – Whilst your feeder is sitting, place your head firmly on their knee, applying as much force as possible onto their lap as to ensure that they have definatly noticed you’re there. If you find it difficult to get into the zone of what angle your character is coming from, just get into the mind set of ‘oh my poor emaciated body is just far too weak and hungry to support this huge brainy head of mine, will you hold it for me for a while until dinner time?’

Step 2 – Either incorporate the Puppy Eyes, or for those of us with visually impaired owners wag your tail just enough to make your body sway lightly, therefore alerting them to your joyful anticipation.

Step 3 – A little dribble can’t hurt, if you’re lucky and have a vane owner, they should immediately leap into feeding action as to minimize any drool damage to their precious clothes.

So there you have it, the main basis of the dinner time alarm call. Why not have a mix and match, try different combinations, adapt the techniques a little to suit your personal needs until you find the method that works best for you. It’s half four, I’m off! Happy pestering, people!

Koo Koo Train

Ah, another week and another delectable gift from the cat. What do we have this time? Is it a bird? Is it a mouse? No, it’s... a fish? In fact, strike that, it’s a very, very large fish. Hmm that’s a new one! And just how does a spindley adolescent kitty fit such a cumbersome treat through an average sized cat flap I hear you ask; well that’s simple, just bring the best part of it in – the head – the big, big head. Order your own special delivery now from jacob’sflapof horrors.com, stocks may vary in size, colour and freshness.

One thing that never ceases to amaze me in this country is the sheer abundance of absolute total freak shows that you encounter during a typical journey via public transport. Buses are clearly the worst offenders in this department, however, on a train journey to Manchester this weekend, my mother and I encountered a weirdo which even an inner city London bus company could only aspire to own. The strange thing is that the young woman in question boarded the train at Leominster (pronounced Lemster, god knows why!). Leominster is a small rural town on the outskirts of Herefordshire, so not your typical nut-case breeding ground. The girl sat down a few seats ahead of us, and I was lucky enough to receive a full running commentary on the girl’s various activities from my mum who was innocently minding her own business, spying on the girl through the reflections in the train window. She was with her mum (how sad is that, ay?), and had bleached white hair which was draped in black netting with a bow at the front. Her face was made up like a goth’s with thick black eyeliner and bright red lipstick, and she was sporting a rather fetching coffin-shaped bag. Yes I know, whoopee a goth, nothing new there, right? Well how many Goths have you come across whose coffin bag of witchcraft books and demon worshipping paraphernalia is plastered with pink, little princess stickers? Clearly worried that she wasn’t attracting enough attention to herself in the form of sideways glances and muffled whispers as it was, Gotherella then proceeded to pull out the big guns and whipped a doll out from out of her vamp luggage, and took a few moments to brush the dolls hair on her lap. The most disconcerting factor in this whole scenario was how normal the Barbie of Darkness sounded whilst talking to her mother, there didn’t appear to be anything mentally unsound about the girl what so ever... apart from the doll that is!

Doesn’t the prospect of such colourful in-journey entertainment just make you want to ditch the car and give the railway or buses a whirl? Beware though, although I must have missed the memo, it has come to my attention that there are strict criteria which all passengers must adhere to if wishing to travel by bus;

a) Upon boarding the vehicle, all persons must have a minimum blood alcohol level of no less than three times the legal driving limit. Special brownie points are given to anybody still holding a can of special brew upon purchase of their ticket, or whose bag omits ominous ‘clinks’.

b) The use of a tissue or hanker chief is strictly prohibited. Any or all nasal or mouth secretions must be mopped up with either a sleeve, or failing that, the back of a hand, this allows for free and liberal germ sharing amongst all passengers.

c) Any gloves worn by men must be fingerless, and coupled with grubby fingernails.

d) It is essential that no elderly person must board the bus unless they are friend’s with all of the old people that are already on it, this rule is what ensures the trip into town remains the highlight of every pensioner’s day, as well as making sure that any non-local, imposters can quickly be identified and given the cold shoulder – you know how clicky those wrinkletons can be!

e) Finally, and most importantly; all bus users MUST wear a scent which rates at least a level 5 on the peeuwwometre. Some examples of the most popular bus fragrances currently available are; Sweat Darling by Kylie B.O.gue - this sporty fragrance is inspired by Sweet Darling by Kylie Minogue and is a sporty scent suitable for all age ranges from your classic greasy teen right through to the delightful charms of the middle-aged labourer, Eu de toilet by L’Oreal because urine worth it, and the best seller Whisky-were-here which was originally developed for special occasions and holidays but which fast became a firm favourite with bus dwellers from the age of thirty upwards, Whisky-were-here is traditionally a man’s product but the rise of equal opportunities in the 21^st century has meant that some of the more daring, council estate women are now pushing the social boundaries and having the occasional cheeky try.

(Please note that other reputable brands are available on the market.)

Koo Koo Train

Liam's special pet

Firstly i’d like to explain any sudden and unexpected glasswear breakages you may have experienced today and let you know that I had a singing lesson this afternoon. It went really well, I think that with a few more sessions I could be almost as good as John and Edward.

Wurly the chinchilla went for the snip this week and unfortunately for him it was the vet kind, not the beauty parlour kind. Yes, as if the poor little guy didn’t have enough to deal with by being born so irresistibly cute and cuddly, now us nasty humans have gone and taken away what was his only manly pride and glory. But wait, it gets even worse - not only was the buggar so brutally emasculated, he then returned home in a drug induced daze only to be chased away by Curly. Yes that’s right, the very same day as he was cruelly robbed of his manhood, he was then beaten up by a girl!

It’s suddenly occurred to me that although I’ve told you plenty about my own pets, I’ve so rudely never even mentioned my boyfriend’s own pet. It’s difficult to describe Liam’s pet as I have yet to see her particular species listed in any book or web page, so I’ve composed a poem that I think best sums her up;

In amongst the rubble, beneath his bed,
Lives my boyfriend’s favourite pet.
She thrives under there where it’s dusty and hairy,
Because she’s his magical cleaning fairy!

She hovers behind him where ever he goes
Sweeping up toenails and picking up clothes.
She lets him relax and does all of the jobs,
So he can live the life of a complete and utter slob.

He can finish a drink, hot or cold,
Then leave the cup out until it starts to sprout mould.
Once upon a time, before he brought his new pet home,
The mould got so thick that he could have sworn he heard it groan!

Tearing through the house, a path of destruction in his wake,
He never gives his poor little fairy a break.
He’s got no time for cleaning, housework is such a bore,
but that’s OK cos in the blink of an eye, the house is magically spotless once more.

She eats up crisp packets for breakfast, dirty socks for tea,
She snacks on dust until his house is pristine.
He loves their little arrangement, but if only he really knew,
that it’s all the secret handy work, of his sucker of a girlfriend, Sue!